Lessons from Over 3 Decades of Marriage (But Who's Counting?)

Post by Helena Marston

I've never met Helena Marston but her recent LinkedIn private message struck a real chord with me. Her honest message about high-achievers who excel professionally but often find their personal relationships lagging behind made me pause and reflect on my own journey. Her approach—helping leaders pursue the same ROI in their partnerships as they do in business—reminded me how essential it is to nurture both success and connection at home. Inspired by her insights, I wanted to share a few lessons learned from over thirty years with Roland, highlighting what’s truly sustained our marriage through all the seasons.

And yes, I did get her approval before sharing her message above.

After being married to my wonderful husband, Roland, for over 30 years—over because specifics would just make me sound older than necessary—I’ve learned a thing or two about what it really takes to make a marriage work. These aren’t five-minute, Pinterest-style relationship platitudes. They’re lessons shaped by missed events, dinner negotiations, time zone math, and decades of change.

Here’s what actually matters when you’re in it for the long run:

1.       We learned each other’s personal language.

We speak this personal language fluently. Understanding what makes Roland feel appreciated (hint: it’s rarely about gifts) helped me pivot when I needed to.  A simple example: after living off restaurant food while traveling, I craved making a home-cooked meal in my own kitchen, but since Roland had been eating at home all week, he wanted a romantic night out. So that’s what we did.

2.       Distance doesn't endanger us—it fuels us.

We’ve learned to allow room for longing. Coming home after business trips always felt special, and that space makes the ordinary extraordinary.

3.      Never outsource what matters most.

If something really matters, I do it myself—especially the personal touches. Years ago, during heavy international travel (and before easy online shopping), I did most of my Christmas shopping virtually but still made sure every gift had my personal stamp.

4.       We don’t lose our individuality.

I cheer and encourage his home cigar lounge—and even helped decorate it. I loved designing the custom sign and tracking down cigar room candles, while he supports my wild shopping escapades. Two strong, independent personalities are the secret to one strong marriage.

5.       We respect each other's space.

Roland’s mother was right about having space when you need it—being together constantly isn’t a requirement. Most of our friends think we’re always together, and that’s honestly not far off, but we also appreciate having our own little corners.

6.       We schedule family time like we schedule business meetings.

We treat family time as dedicated, essential recharge time. Not prioritizing it sets the wrong marital tone for the whole week and trust me—you can feel the disconnect when it is missing.

7.       I don’t expect Roland to meet all my needs.

Expecting one person to be everything—partner, sounding board, best friend, business advisor—isn’t fair. That’s why we all need friends, mentors, and our own support circles.

8.       We celebrate small wins together.

Sometimes, a Monday night burger on the patio feels more meaningful than a fancy dinner celebration. It’s all a journey, so we make it a point to enjoy every single moment.

9.       We invest in shared experiences.

The best memories come from things we do together—international travel, small adventures, quick get-aways, late-night movies, boat rides at the lake. Shared moments always outlast material gifts.

10.  Resentment builds quietly and invisibly.

The little annoyances don’t just fade; they ferment. Long-held resentment is toxic, so we speak up early.  We’ve learned to argue productively. Conflict is inevitable, destruction isn’t. Disagree with care; don’t burn the house to roast a marshmallow.

And honestly, don’t follow my “10 lessons for a happy marriage.” Find your own formula, write your own rules, and create a life that works for you. The list is just my road map—hopefully, yours is even better.

Here’s what I know for sure:

Marriage isn’t about perfection, it’s about making a choice, over-and-over, to choose one another. After “over” three decades, Roland and I are still learning, laughing at our mishaps, and building a partnership that’s uniquely ours. The best marriages aren’t perfect. They’re two people who decide, every day, that sticking together is better than apart.